[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
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The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay