Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

😂😂😂😂😂😂

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this