Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room