the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
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I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow