Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.