Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you