Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update