Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

what it’s like dating me:

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

huge valentines day plans this year!!

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’