Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

watergate? u mean a dam??

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?