Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
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some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
that wasn’t the question
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
guys I’m going home
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*