Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
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My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“No way.” -Jose
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”