Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

I love art.

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

*watches the world burn*

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

Happy weekend !

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.