Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
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Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking