Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
You Might Also Like
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
True
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.