Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
much to think about
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.