Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
You Might Also Like
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.