Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.