Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

I had to Stop for this

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

I’m too immature for adultery.

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks