Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

Somedays I just love AI so much

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.