Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”