BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
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It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.