Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it