Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”