“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
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It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.