Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

I am a gravy boat captain

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng