Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
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I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.