Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
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In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.