Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

good news everyone

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.