Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
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Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
We have a winner.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*