Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
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Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself