C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
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I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.