c’mon!
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Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Europe. Made in Germany.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what