Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

I have never heard an armadillo before.

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.