C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
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I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Worth the read.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
#merica
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live