C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
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i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
grandparents are too precious for this world
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk