C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
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What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My spirit animal is fried chicken
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??