C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
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I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
What is going on? 😅
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.