C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
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Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: