“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
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Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
describing stardew valley
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.