“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
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Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
😂🐈⬛
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.