“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
You Might Also Like
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Lube but for my dry humor.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Orange is oranging 🟠
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
the three genders
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.