“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
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Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
adam and eve had first world problems
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
