“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
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You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.