“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
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New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Like sleeping!
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
