C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
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[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Hey i am sexy to you now
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.