“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
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Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Watermelon Boss!
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars