Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves