C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
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I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.