Cndnsd Mlk
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4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Whoops
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I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”