Cndnsd Mlk
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Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no