Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

WTF IS THAT!

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day