CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
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The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*bites zombie*
oh u like geography? name every lake
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what