Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else