CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
You Might Also Like
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
based al yankovic
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.