Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

did it work

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)