Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.