Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

He a real one for that

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

live, laugh, laundry.

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.