Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

File under excellent bookstore names.

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*