CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
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[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?