CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
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Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
tinder is all about the long game
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.