CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
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Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.