Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost