CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
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Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
The point of your 20s
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma