Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

As the Lord intended

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.