Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.