CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
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When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”