CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
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[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”