CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
You Might Also Like
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
