CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
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i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what