Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

I put the h in mysterious.

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

These are my roll models.

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.