Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.