Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off